Canstralian

The amount of time I spend unhappy actually annoys me. I wonder why I can't just snap out of it and enjoy life, but for some reason I just can't.
Life has become incredably boring, and I'm not sure if that's because my life is actually boring, or if it's the depression. I mean, I've never really been a very exciting person, I'm a homebody most of the time, I like alone time and all that jaz. But every day is the bloody same, and I'm always freaking tired and sad. I'm bored with everything, especially in the evenings, after work, because by then I'm too tired to do something to stop myself being bored. And money, or lack thereof, keeps a person pretty bored.

Even as I write I'm trying desperatly not to burst into tears. WTF is wrong with me?

I still have no cloase friends here, and no close friends at home who'll take the time and effort to actually talk to me online. I'm not learning anything new. I'm not progressing with life. It's all just blerg. And feeling like this doesn't make me try, makes me my own worst enemy.

I wish it was over.

See, I told you I wasn't good at this whole blogging thing!!

Oh well, what's happening?

Summer has been awesome. I'm loving the summer. "Hot" is around 31 celcius, which really is about perfect. Above 40 is a little too hot, so I can do without it. Working in the heat has been a challenge, work doesn't have air-con, only a fan that blows in from outside so sometimes it's a bit like working in a hair dryer.. then I have people asking me "Why are the heaters on?". *chuckle*

I need to make some friends that are "my friends" preferably some witch friends. My spirituality has gone right down the tubes since coming here. I feel so disconnected. But when I have the time I lack the inclination - as happens with so many other things! - and Pagans are notoriously hard to track down.

It's been interesting at work with this boat full of refugees that have just shown up. Immagrants look at illegal immigration very poorly, and it's something I never thought about. They are very angry. They spent a lot of money and time to get into Canada (and in more than one case married a complete stranger who's language they didn't even speak) and have to spend even more money and work really hard to sponsor their families to come here, while these boat people just show up with their families and live off our taxes.

Really I'm not as vehimant about it.. Australia gets a fair share of boat people too. I don't know... like on one hand I'm as racist as the next person and I think the country's resources should be kept for its citizens, but on the other I'm compassionant. Their lives must be really bad for them to go to the trouble of immagrating like that, and who knows? maybe things are so bad over there the option of legal immigration is unavailable... I think generally people are too uneducated to have much of a say on the matter. And yeah, that includes me. Still, it's interesting.

I love Obi, so much it hurts some days. It's sweet and overwhelming. He takes such good care of me, looks after me so well, and I've been an unstable handful lately. He's just perfect. That is all.

I still surprisingly have a job. I hate it, but it's still there. I'm looking for another but not as hard as I should be. My drive to find another fluxuates. I wish I could make money from writing. That is my true passion, but I need to get the damn book written first, and well, I have no experience in journalism, and no qualifications... So there's no point looking there. It's all unskilled labour for me.

But today is a day off so I'm not letting any of this get me down - not even how much I miss my sister, which is currently terrible! I need to find a plan to deal with that better.

I live in constant fear that I will lose my job. My workmates treat me very badly and screw me around. They set me up to fall and I walk into their traps. Some days I still really love my job, other days I dream of any and all of the bad things that would stop me going there. I fear the reason I'm still on probation is that my boss isn't sure she wants to keep me on at all but simply doesn't have the staff to replace me yet. Still, some good may come of this. My supervisor is talking about giving me every second sunday off, which would be a blessing, because they think I'm still working my second job and my poor work is due to lack of sleep. I feel like a failure.
But, there's no point in dwelling on it. I will just keep trying to do better.

I got my second job to put me on call for a few months, so I feel less stressed there I made the right choice.

Obi finally lined up a job in his field, and has a start date, so I'm over the moon for him. There is a chance they'll want him to shift work though, which neither of us saw coming. We're both dreading it. I know he needs to get his foot in the door so this time I need to just suck it up - he really needs this job, it's important to our future - but I'm scared of what that will do to the relationship. Add in his commute time, and he'll be gone 13 hours of every day - put those 13 hours into the evening? *Shakes head*
I keep telling myself that on the bright side, he'd be here on my days off - so we'd have less time together but what we did have would be in bigger chunks, but we're both not happy with it at all. He trusts me to pull us through if it comes to that though.

On day shift though, he'll get in an hour or so later than me now, which will suck because before there was always the chance I'd finish work early and snatch an hour or two extra with him and now that too will be gone, but it shouldn't disrupt our lives too much. I'm thinking if he does end up on night shift, I'll ask him to start letterbooking with me again.

Over all, things have been good between us. We've gone out a little more, done more things together, just put more effort in for each other, and it's worked well. Some evenings there are too many things we want to do together and not enough time, and that makes us smile becuase before we just didn't know how to hang out close distance!

Oh - this other sweet thing. There was a long weekend recently. Obi had the three days off of course, and because of the nature of my work I did not. So, he bought me lunch two of those days and read to me for the half hour I get as a break. It made my days so much better!!

I had the best "weekend" ever! (well, actually Thursday and Friday because I work Sat/Sun)
Obi decided to call in sick on Thursday and spend the day with me instead because it'd been three weeks since we'd had a day off together. Then I got Friday off by surprise, and he accidently slept in so we had another day together.
It was great. I've been missing him so so much. Sometimes we have so much going on that we don't see each other, or if we do there are lots of other people there too. We don't get much us time anymore. We used to spend hours every day on skype, talking, hanging out, just being together-but-apart. Now, we sleep beside each other, but we leave at different times, work at different times, have different days off and have too many social commitments. With that and the trust issues we've had the relationship was badly suffering, I felt like I was working hard and being far from my family and friends for nothing. Now I remember.

I love him. I love him with everything I have inside me.

This IS worth it, so long as I still have him.

He has also done some research on how to repair trust in relationships, and we talked about ways we can get more time together, and actually enjoy that time. So, we've started playing Aion together, in the hopes that we can learn better to share and work as a team. Sounds strange to people who don't game I bet, but mmo's can teach you a lot about a person.

I've been thinking about my second job too... I think that when Obi gets his next contract (the work he has now finishes in june) and we no longer have the prospect of me having to support us both, I'll quit my second job. I'm sick of being so tired and missing out on time together and with friends for a few extra bucks each week... but who knows? In summer work closes an hour earlier. Perhaps that will make the difference for me? We will see.

He wrote back, then I wrote again... haggling back and forth, setting limits. I asked for proof this time that he set her straight, and I got it. I wonder if I'll see whatever reply she writes back?

So, I guess we're past this now? Except it doesn't FEEL like we are. My heart is still brused.

Now I have to learn to trust him all over again, and learn to let go of the hurt from the past.
I think I need advice. Or something.

I should add catagories to this at some point.

But anyway... I was thinkg earlier, self-assessing if you like... I wonder if sometimes I'm picking fights with Obi because I want an excuse to leave, to go home, to have everything simple.

...What if, now that I've achieved the end of the long distance relationship part of me thinks that the thrill is now gone, the game is over, time to collect the prize and go home?

The mind is fickle, so who knows?

Not with our most current fight of course. I know that isn't what this is about because it's bugged me for a year But with the little things....

I love him and our little home, most days I enjoy my work. My life isn't thrilling, but it's comfortable, a steady progression towards goals. Excepting for the random bouts of depression that I'd get anyway, I'm happy. But part of me still screams that this is too hard, that I can't do this any more.

I have a fair idea where Obi's reply to my letter will take him, and have started to mentally prepare myself for what happens if I'm forced into a corner... and have to say goodbye.

Do I have the guts?

I wish I could blog more. Seriously, it seems every post has a good thing then a bad thing, or just a bad thing... I seem a lot more negative than I feel I am. Well, this post will be the same. But in future, I'll try to post the happy things when they happen so they are not glossed over.

Home - Is great! I love it. I feel so much better now we're out. So domesticated. The first few days felt like we were just little kids playing house, but now the routine is smooth and comforting. I've been much happier with the world at large and don't hate Canada half as much since we moved out.

Trust... is another thing. Aside from everything GREAT about our relationship there's one thing that sours it all. I'll call this person "F" because they don't diserve a name. So F was a bed buddy of Obi before Obi and I met in person, and a year ago I noted she still flirts just as heavily with him as if he were single, yet she knows about me and our relationship. Obi doesn't flirt back (at least in the text convos, over the phone I can't be certain) but he doesn't stop her either. Kind of leading her on in a way. Nothing in his manerisums leads me to believe she is just another friend, which is suspicious in itself. So, I told him to firmly tell her to stop - as he had done when I'd admitted some of my old friends (who I have no sexual history with) flirt with me on occasion. Well, I got my friends to stop, and nearly a year later I find out that he didn't bother to set her straight - AND is sharing intimate details about our sex life with  her. So I'm hurt and angry. I tell him again to stop being gutless and make her stop, and to have some damn respect for me and our relationship. All he said in reply was "ok".

I also wrote him a letter telling him I can't life a life of suspicion - I need to be able to trust him without wondering. I don't mind if he shares really juicy stuff with his best mate (Someone I've met and respect) but random ex bed buddies who I have not met are another matter.
I asked him to find a suitable compromise because all I want to do is ask him to cut contact with F completely, but at the same time I don't want to be the type of woman that chooses her partners friends.

And besides, if I did ask that, he'd refuse. And then the ball would be back in my court...

Now I wait. Will he write back? Will he bring it up in conversation? Will he just stay silent and hope I back down? I hate wondering.

There should be an unspoken law that states that when a relationship is started all bed buddies must be lost contact with until that relationship comes to an end. *sigh*

So, I have a big chunk of internet time right now I may as well blog.

Things have been intense. And up and down and all over the place.

I got more time off this week than I have in a long time. I got two full days off, and then saturday, my busiest day, I only worked one job rather than my usual two. Obi worked my two full days off, of course, but we had the afternoon/evening together.

I had the chance to have a circle in the longest time and did a little work to restore balance back into my life. I was a fool to let my spirituality slip by the way side, and I miss it terribly, but it's hard to find time and space for worship in a shared Christian household. I don't want to offend anyone. Or to embarras myself by being caught Obi wants to learn more about my faith and ritual, but I'm not quite ready. Hell, I'm embarrased practicing with other witches, nevermind an agnostic who I know doesn't believe anything similar to what I do. But I'm a little excited too. My religion means a lot to me, I want to raise our kids in my faith, and I want to be able to celebrate the sabbats with him, with or without the rituals so... I need to just get over it and bare this part of myself to him.
I also found some lovely chants online that really got me into the zone. My soul is soothed.

Obi and I had a coupe of disagreements and spend one night tangled in each others arms and crying. (This was wednesday, I had the circle the day after.) I was just so miserable. My day had been decent and I was in a good mood when he came home in a bad one and just bought everything down. He was very tired but generally we try not to nap after 5pm because we wont sleep as well so i tried to keep him awake. It didn't work, and then when he woke up to roll over 15 mins or so later he thanked me for leaving him alone, which hurt me, because I was stupidly hormonal and wanting loves.
By then I was miserable, everything came crashing back on me, my general unhappiness here, being tired and stressed from a bad week at work, financial worries, homesickness... I went for a walk, trying to run away for it all. I walked for hours, it got dark but i kept going, trying to get free... sometimes crying sometimes not... eventually he woke up from a nightmare and I wasn't there, which distressed him, and soon he came to find me. And we talked about why I was walking, and how we were both feeling about everything, and it was just heartbreaking.
He appologised so many times for being born here, for us needing to be here, for my unhappiness... even though it's not his fault...

Since then we've spent a lot of time clinging to each other. We move out in 3 or 4 days... I'm suddenly out of time to write...

We signed a lease fo an iddy biddy basement suite and are moving on out! Yay! We get the keys in like, 5 days, and will move on my next day off after that. I can't wait!